Thursday, December 16, 2010

Thank you Muppets

Holla at me if you loved the Muppets as much as I did growing up. They were legit. No cheeseball living in perfect harmony happy go-lucky muppets on this show. Was there even a sane one on the cast? Other than Kermit. Who, by the way, was a lefty. (I have no idea HOW I know this, but I remember finding out as a kid and being super pumped, as a south paw myself.)

Even as a child, I loved the cynical hecklers Statler and Waldorf. They were so MEAN and so FUNNY. Then there was the Swedish Chef, 100% certifiably nuts. With knives. Add to that the raving bitch Miss Piggy. Now we're talking about a quality kids show! We have two ornery old men that heckle people, an insane chef with weapons and a bitch who nonstop nags her lover. My kind of show. I feel like Jim Henson and I would have gotten along swell (side note - I feel like swell comes from combining so and well.. makes sense). Looking back, it's no wonder that I loved it. Half the characters were just that, characters. I hope that one day I'm old and grouchy and have some to heckle with like Statler and Waldorf. That would be the perfect end to cap off my life. I hope I have their laughs too, so heartwarming.

By now some of you are thinking, "Ok, if we just back away quietly, we won't spook her and alert her that we've run off." It's ok, I know deep down there's a muppet inside each of you. (That's what she said. Bazinga.)

I leave you with Sam the Eagle.

Video from YouTube user VaughnMichael. Thanks for making my day.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Battle of Good vs. Evil

A.K.A. the battle of Sober Alex vs. Drunk Alex. It's been an ongoing battle and a few years ago I decided to name my arch nemesis (note: arch nemesis is always said in a deep throaty voice) - Drunk Alex. She is a different person than I am, and way more fun. She's also a troublemaker. And makes questionable decisions on my behalf. Everybody else loves this girl, but Sober Alex questions her judgment the morning after. Actually, my parents don't love her so much. They think she is reckless (she is.. a little), and a boozehound (yep), and stays up too late (ok.. ok..) and they do not appreciate it when Sober Alex is sick the entire next day. 
Here are some of Drunk Alex's traits:
  1. She loves everyone. You, you and you included. Hugs for everyone! Even people Sober Alex isn't a fan of. Even people that aren't fans of Sober (or Drunk) Alex. She loves them all equally. And maybe too much. She once screamed out her friend's name repeatedly because she saw that she was working at the restaurant she was walking by. It was a nice restaurant. Her friend still works there, although she hasn't seen that friend in awhile. Thanks Drunk Alex.
  2. She loves tequila, and even has a chant and dance for it. Sober Alex does like this chant and dance, as it is catchy.
  3. She climbs things. This one time she was playing volleyball and the ball went into the neighbour's yard. No problem, she just hopped up over the fence, onto the garage and retrieved the ball. Like a cat. Sober Alex thinks this may have been reckless but is also impressed by her catlikeness.
  4. She enjoys walking around in bare feet. Outside, inside, upstairs, downstairs. She has even been caught in the fall running home in her bare feet. Dumb girl. And outside any time of year? Talk about black feet. And glass. There is a time and a place for bare feet... like the beach.
  5. Food. Specifically - poutine. This is a trait both Alexes delight in and one that Sober Alex lets slide. Unless Drunk Alex leaves the leftover poutine beside the bed instead of in the garbage. Mmmm poutine.
  6. She is guilty of "drunk dialing". Mostly old friends, and if they're REALLY lucky they'll get a voice mail with a proclamation of her love. Texting or drunk dialing old flames is extremely cringe-worthy for Sober Alex. Luckily said old flames know about Drunk Alex's tendencies.
  7. She ends up with really random and sometimes scary bruises. Sober Alex has never managed to figure out how these bruises are incurred, however I'm sure that fence hopping doesn't help. 
  8. She wanders. This was more serious when she was younger, but she is still known to wander off. Who knows why, if you see her, ask her, and then let me know.

There are some other even less lady-like traits that Drunk Alex possesses, however I'm not quite ready to share them with the world. After all, we are the same person. I must preserve any dignity that I have left. Oh I don't have any left? Ah well, who needs it.........

I've been trying to keep Drunk Alex under lock and key over the past year/6 months. It's been working for the most part. But every now and then someone catches her coming out. At least they think she's fun. Maybe I should take some tips from her. Below is a picture from a few years ago. Drunk Alex caught in action: traits 1 and 8 are seen. Over friendliness and wandering off. 
Engaged in very interesting conversation about the CFL
I suppose that Drunk Alex could have worse traits. Like starting fights, promiscuity, spending Sober Alex's savings.. I hope Drunk Alex never sees this post and gets any ideas.. Don't make me go sober! Because I swear I will! Is this post bordering on multiple personality disorder? I'm starting to think that it is. 

Next post: Dealing with the realization of having multiple personality disorder...

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Things I love RIGHT NOW

There's a few things that have been making me smile lately. Even laughing! I thought I would share these and spread some holiday cheer. The Christmas holidays stress me out more than anything else, and so it comes that I need some cheering up. Thank goodness for the following:

1. Damn You Auto Correct. I am obsessed with this site right now. I can't wait until there's an app for blackberry users as I am pretty sure I could submit a daily error. Even though blackberry doesn't have auto correct. And you have no idea what I'm talking about, now do you? Go to the site, thank me later.

2. Snow. This is the time of year when I love snow most. The pretty snowflakes that fall to the ground and only last a day or two, when a fresh dusting adds so much beauty to an otherwise barren landscape.

3. Finding new blogs to creep. Every week I find someone else to adore and stalk. From humans are funny to Triton Cove to my newest find My. Daily. Randomness, I love reading about other people's lives and how I'm not the only strugglesaurus out there! I also have to say that the blog that finally pushed me to start my own was Hyperbole and a Half. I feel like she's my sister from another mister. She is one of the funniest people I have ever not met. I might drive out to the west coast and try to find her one day.

4. My new store. Well it's not "my" store, but I manage it and we just opened 4 days ago! It's been such an exciting and scary process and in the end, so rewarding. It helps that I have the most amazing boss in the world, because otherwise the past week setting up would not have been so enjoyable. But I do love labour and working hard for a good cause, and it was WORTH it! It's such a gorgeous store and I love working downtown. Now, if only there weren't so many stores to potentially bankrupt me.

5. Dark chocolate. Someone dropped off this massive bag of dark chocolate as a "Congrats" for the store opening and I have been inhaling it like nobody's business. It's good for you, right? I hope nobody else wants any. Because it's mine, all mine!

Now that you have this image of an obese, cynical, bah-humbug type of girl in  your head, I'll end my post. Oh, but before I do, I'll add in my new nickname to things I'm loving.

6. White Out. Although this might give people the wrong impression (I am neither albino nor a coke head) it does suit me rather well. I am constantly correcting myself and often others. I can't help it. It's a horrible horrible habit and sometimes I just can't bite my tongue. The nickname though, is amazing. I love it.

Seriously, now I'm saying goodbye. No, you hang up first. Smoochie boochies! (Screw snoochie boochies a la Jay and Silent Bob, I like smoochie boochies!)


Monday, December 6, 2010

A family that farts together..

Ya I did. I put the f-word in the title of this post. A family that farts together stays together. What was the original saying? I like this one better. Every family has its quirks, and mine has some pretty funny ones. Here is an excerpt of a conversation one Sunday evening a few weeks ago. I would like to mention first that it was over Skype as I live in TO and they don't.
Daughter (me) [flips camera around to show inside of nose]: Do I have any boogers?
Parents: You're disgusting.
Daughter [adjusts camera to better see inside nose, wiggles nose around to make angle more interesting]: Well any nose hairs that need to be trimmed?
Parents: Nice, real nice.
[Mom walks out of room, possibly to trim own nose hairs. Daughter gets bored of showing inside of nose and that family is not more disgusted by it.]
Conversation continues between daughter and dad. Background conversation between mom and brother can be heard.
Mom: ... you fart too much!
Brother [pffffft]
Mom: You fart and you fart and you fart!
Brother [pffffft]
Mom: I think you deposited something with that last one! It's your food!
Brother: Then it's your cooking!
(Or something along those lines with the last one.. I'm sure brother will correct me.)
I gots the toots, you gots the toots, we all gots the toots.
Why isn't there a song about tooting? I think that should be Biebs' next song. Then I'd start listening to his music.
This is a picture of a slow loris. (Thanks It exists. While my brother was living with me last summer I came across this image and decided that it looked like him. They have the same brown eyes. Heck yes there's an animal called a slow loris. Heck yes I like weird animals.