Thursday, February 3, 2011

And here is where I bare my soul

I have a secret: I'm kind of emotional.

I know, right?

But really, I have mushy insides. And feel lots. Sometimes I cry against my will. I'm all "no, I'm a tough bitch", and my insides are all like "CRY CRY CRY CRY SNOT CRY CRY CRY". The truth is, I'm a huge softy. Puppies, babies, puppies, they make me coo and and warm my heart.

Looking back, when I was younger I was naive and optimistic and warmhearted. I was a softy and very emotional. Too emotional. I had anxiety and depression problems, and on top of it all, I wore my heart on my sleeve. I'm sure that about half of teenagers experience the same thing. I was so up and down, I really had no control over my emotions. I will never forget the time that I was in the car with my guy friends and laughing to the point of tears; those tears became real and I started crying uncontrollably. Boys don't deal with tears very well, teenage boys just get nervous and scared and very uncomfortable. It was fun. Another time during Christmas I started crying over dinner because I missed my papa J who had just passed... years before.

If you ask my parents about a random emotional outburst of mine, they will tell you this story: me at 9, 10, 11 crying over seemingly nothing. When they can finally get a word in over the sobbing and hiccuping, asking me what's wrong, they hear this: "I... MISS... JILLI..AN!!" You see, Jillian was my best friend from when I was 2 until she moved away when I was 5. FIVE YEARS OLD PEOPLE. And here I was having an emotional melt down years later. Embarrassing. So now when my parents think I'm crying over nothing, they ask me if I miss Jillian. Fuckers.

I think that because I was always so emotional growing up, I started to keep the mushy ones in. I didn't want to be seen as this emotionally fucked up girl who shouldn't be taken seriously because she couldn't control her tears. So I was tougher. Showed off my muscles more. Grunted more. It wasn't hard to put the mushy away because I've always had a dark, sarcastic side. However before, where I had the angel on one shoulder and devil on the other, now the devil gave the angel a black eye and she got pissed off and left.

Huh, this post has turned into more than I bargained for. I didn't intend for it to be a soul baring post. I walked into this post thinking "hey, I'm gonna write about how much I used to be a sissy". Didn't know I'd end up psycho analyzing myself. Yay.

So, for the worst post in the history of posts.... I'm going to end this one before you all find out more about my insides. I'm going to stick to my dark side from now on. This side is less funny.

5 comments:

andrea said...

Ditto. I'm the exact same way (and ironically just wrote a post last night that ALSO turned into deep psychoanalysis...what gives?).

And seriously, crying for no reason is the worst, almost as bad as simply crying for embarrassing reasons, ie. being overly happy for the person who just called in and won a radio contest. Yep. I do that a lot. And then judge the fuck outta myself.

Story of my life.

Renee (eatliveshop.com) said...

It's ok - we're all sissy's at some point in our lives. Some of us are just more than the average ;)

laurenne said...

I love crying. I will cry over anything. In fact, I'm crying over your loss of Jillian right now.
Man, she was a good friend.

Johnny Utah said...

You girls and your crying. :)

lex [lexinthecity] said...

I feel the need to add that when my best friend went to university in MTL, I bawled. Then she came home one weekend and surprised me and guess what.... I bawled.