Thursday, February 10, 2011

Summer Sisters - or - When I Was Almost Eaten by Bears

Before some of you little pervs decide to stick your head in the gutter - no this post is not about a hot lesbian summer love affair. That's next week.

This is about me and my summer sister from when I was growing up. A and I (I am still not familiar with the etiquette about talking about people unbeknownst to them) were born 3 months apart, and our moms were best friends. We were complete opposites, but in the summer when I would visit her in the countryside of BC, we always had so much fun. She was a wild child. I was this tiny, shy, quiet girl, and she was loud, outgoing and always rearing to go. Our opposite personalities became more pronounced the older we got, but that never made any difference when we were together.

Her mom pointed out one summer that whenever I was around, something crazy always happened. Looking back, I'm wondering if maybe I was a bad luck charm!

One summer when I was really little I was staying at their place and we experienced one of the worst storms I can remember. That's saying a lot since I used to live in Calgary. Normally, I love storms. You would have to peel me from the windows. Black outs? I loved them. But this storm shook their log house. Log houses should NOT shake. I thought I was going to die in that house, and I cried like the little girl that I was.

Another summer not long after, A's brother's friends went bridge jumping. They lived on the Slocan River in BC which is pretty fast in some areas. A couple miles up the road was a bridge that the kids used to jump from into the river below. When one of the girls went to jump her arm got caught on the railing, and the weight of her body falling sliced her hand right through the bone. By the time she was rushed back to the house, she had lost a lot of blood and her hand was barely attached to her arm. I'm pretty sure she's still alive, and that her hand was ok... but I blocked out the rest of it after I accidentally looked at her hand.

See the rapid progression of events here people??

Then when I was 15 I was chased by bears. Ya, BEARS.

That summer we had played Clue 52 times and gone up and down the river on tubes countless times a day. Floating down that river on a tube is my happy place. With the sun shining on my face, the heat of the inner tube combined with the icy water, the mountains and clear blue skies as my back drop, I was in heaven. Occasionally we would lie on the beach, then float back down the river to her house.

One time we were getting up the courage to swim in the freezing water when we saw what looked to be 2 people swimming towards us, which was odd. Then A realized that it was a mama bear and her cub, clearly in distress. The cub must have fallen in the water and the mama was trying to catch up to her. Peeps, I don't know if y'all know this... but there if there is one thing in this world that you do not mess with - it's a mama bear. Here is what then went through my head: "holy motherfucking jesus fucking goddamn fucking fuck I am going to die".

I will let this sink in for you.

So we scrambled back onto the rocky beach and then proceeded to wade through the inlet where there were BLOODSUCKING LEECHES towards the steep "hill" that led to the road. We had to climb a broken ladder and maneuver some rocks to get up to the road, which suddenly seemed very far away. We knew we had to get to the road quickly because the next piece of land where the bears could get out of the river was our little beach. A had just had knee surgery from a bad ski fall and climbing + running were pretty difficult for her to manage. Here I am at the bottom of the hill/cliff pushing her up to the road and is she rushing? No.

Now that we're finally up on the road, I'm begging her to try to run. I'm crying. I believe that death in the form of an angry mama bear who blames us for her cub's probable drowning is right behind us. I think she smirked at my level of fear. Then we hear barking. And because running from bears isn't enough, we look behind us to see that 2 attack dogs are chasing us. I believe they were dobermans but my life was flashing before my eyes so I could be mistaken. (I actually love dobermans and have met a couple of the suckiest pups ever, but when you train a dog to ATTACK, they are fucking scary.) Oh, so did I mention that there were a few questionable neighbours who were growing questionable herbs in their fields? They had dogs.

So it's at this point that A gets her ass in gear and starts to try to run. Thanks, babe. Out of nowhere, I see a streak of fur coming at me on my right and it's a massive german shepherd. AKA my savior. He starts bounding after the other 2 dogs and they bugger off. I'm still in shock and wondering when the bears are going to come eat me. We hear barking coming from up the mountain behind us and hope that the bears are being chased by any combination of the 3 dogs. Home is close by and I crumble into tears.

A and I recount the story for her parents, who, like me, are shocked and glad we're ok. However 5 minutes later, it's not such a big deal and all of a sudden I'm a pansy. Anybody else want to rewind that story and tell me HOW I'M A PANSY?!

I'm just glad I didn't shit my pants. That would actually have been embarrassing. I'm also glad I didn't get any leeches on me. Because I hate leeches. Fuckers.

Mama bear & cub  
I was gonna have a picture of an angry bear but it actually scared me too much to look at the pictures. So I put this one up. Do not google "angry bear" or "bear attack". Just don't.

1 comment:

Renee (eatliveshop.com) said...

Haha I like this story (or series of stories I guess I should say)...you funny!!!