Thursday, June 2, 2011

How to Stay Single

First off, where did I go? It started off that I was going through some shit that I didn't want to write about, and then I lost my motivation to write. I went "blah". I had a few post ideas, but didn't feel they were publishable. Basically I went into my little closet and shut the door. Anyway, here's something that came to me the other day.

I've always been aware of the fact that I'm very single. But I have a horrible sense of time passing. So the other day when I realized that I've been single for 3 1/2 years, I was slightly shocked. It was an "oh....." moment (not to be confused with an "aha moment").

I'm sometimes asked, "How are you still single?" - in a flattering way. But those who know me best, know why. They're the ones that say "THAT'S how you're still single". They're the ones that politely suggest that maybe I should lower my standards. (Never!)

So here's a list. Well, my list. If you'd like to stay single, follow the list. And the white rabbit.

  • Be strong-minded
  • Be bold
  • Be sarcastic
  • Be disgusting
  • Be crass
  • Sit with your legs open
  • Be witty
  • Know your shit
  • Pick your nose
  • Tell really bad jokes and/or stories
  • Become a Flames fan (I believe this is directly related, most men have no taste in hockey)
  • Cry spontaneously, in front of a guy
  • Have a big mouth - WITH WORDS people, with words
  • Snort when you laugh, and laugh really loud
  • Lean over when you fart
  • Be suspicious of any male that talks to you
  • And if he shows signs of flirting, raise your hackles
  • Win at flip cup
  • Start a clown collection (I haven't.. yet)
  • Start a cat collection (of live cats..) (also something I haven't done yet) (live or stuffed)
  • Be loud
Don't worry, you can have a backup plan. Mine is to move in with my home girl, and get the sperm of our gay friends. True story. At her birthday the other night I was talking to a young fellow, very good looking, unfortunately I'm not his type, unless I grow a penis... Anywho, after marvelling at his good looks and his smarts, here is how I introduced myself  "Hi my name is Alex, you might be my sperm donor one day". He agreed. Score! Oh, and we're going to use the sperm for artificial insemination. Not anything weird like face cream or anything.

Also, side note, there are only 35 sperm donors left in Canada. CRAZY right? Side side note, in a "Baby Animals" book that my little 2 year old cousin was looking at, I pointed to the tadpoles and said, "Look! Sperm!". Ya gotta teach the kids young these days. Or confuse them young.

Soo I hope you enjoyed my little ditty. I apologize again for being MIA.. I'll try to write more than once a month (and a half)... 

You should also take pictures like this...

19 comments:

Jewels said...

You are a Single Goddess. I loved your "ways to stay single"! haha. I could say something like "you will find a guy who loves you BECAUSE of all those things...not in spite of them" but that's a load of horse shit and we both know it. That being said...chin up...there's always Mr. Right Now. ;)
Missed ya!!

JewelsTurning30

Random Girl said...

Wow, you nailed it girlie! I do however agree with Jewels, there is always Mr. Right Now who won't be around to see half of things so he can still be good for something..know what I'm sayin'....wink wink nudge nudge.

andrea n. townsend said...

I love ALL OF THOSE THINGS for one very obvious reason: they're awesome. Duh. But I love your plan for the sperm donor! Although the thought of having kids kind of makes me break out into hives or whatever... Terrifying. Shudder.

laurenne said...

yay! you're back. Single is where it's at. Sex and intimacy. Shmex and shmintimacy.

lex [lexinthecity] said...

@ Jewels - It is horse shit! But yes, Mr Right Now is better than nothing!
@ Randy - Thank goodness they don't see half the things on the list! It would make it so much less.. special..
@ Andrea - One day my dear, one day ;)
@ Laurenne - I know! Yay! And I couldn't have said it better. Shmeh.

PorkStar said...

hahahahaha damn you are hilarious.

Well i find all of your list pretty sexy and marketable, but I've been told I'm a freak too. In NY there's a lack of your kind of honesty. Wait, you were in NY not long ago, so yeah I'm sure you noticed the lack of honesty here.

Awesome post.

Renee (eatliveshop.com) said...

You're the best and there's no one quite like you! The guy is out there and will love you farts and all!

PorkStar said...

I re-read your list and cracked my self up hahaha

Anonymous said...

f2bbs.com/bbs We support you!

Anonymous said...

Maybe you're single because you're obnoxious?

laurenne said...

You're gone againnnnnnnnnn.

PorkStar said...

... and still gone :(

Anonymous said...

It's called basic consideration for others. No worthwhile man(handsome, smart, non-abusive) will date you because you're a self-absorbed, obnoxious, irritating, horrible person (the opposite of worthwhile).

I think the question you should ask when you go on about how you won't compromise is this: "if I were a self-respecting guy, would I date myself?" BE HONEST.

The answer is no: your standards are unrealistic. Lowering them isn't compromise, it's admitting the reality of the awful person you are.

lex [lexinthecity] said...

@ Anon - was it the picking my nose part or the farting part that annoyed you so much?

Anonymous said...

Lex - it is time you answer the real question: anal?

If you don't let your guy pump you up your butt, you will always be single.

Steve Coran said...

rape is the ultimate compliment

Anonymous said...

Are you purposely living a bad Jennifer Lopez movie plot?

Dying in your bed, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days, from this to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell yourself....

Just my take. A life of being single, for me would have meant, wealth, comfort, and never having to answer to anyone. And, of course, having sex with lots of attractive women celebrating their singledom.

But I'd never trade. My wife farts, snorts when she laughs, is crass, etc., etc. , but the joy I've known via our relationship dwarfs anything I could have ever experience alone.

Anonymous said...

Are you purposely living a bad Jennifer Lopez movie plot?

Dying in your bed, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days, from this to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell yourself....

Just my take. A life of being single, for me would have meant, wealth, comfort, and never having to answer to anyone. And, of course, having sex with lots of attractive women celebrating their singledom.

But I'd never trade. My wife farts, snorts when she laughs, is crass, etc., etc. , but the joy I've known via our relationship dwarfs anything I could have ever experience alone.

MagBas said...

I bet on an average weekend this slut has cum from more than 20 black men inside her at the local swingers club.

Wouldn't touch such a whore with a ten foot pole.