First off, let me apologize for going MIA, yet again.. I feel like I've lost my mojo. I'm not sure where it went, or why, but it's gone. I blame it on a wire misfire in my brain, but that's another story for another day. This little ditty is something that I'm pretty passionate about.
It's about my hate-hate relationship with my computers. I vehemently hate both my personal computer and my work computer. I have a daily urge to pick up my laptop and SLAM IT INTO THE WALL AND WATCH IT SMASH INTO SMITHEREENS. Yeah. That's how strong my feelings are. All caps.
Anywho, where were we?
Right, anger management classes.
So here is a little conversation between my computers and I on a regular day.
ME: Good morning computer.
COMP: 5 more minutes, it's not time to wake up yet.
ME: What? No, the sun's been up for at least 4 hours, wake up please.
COMP: 5 more minutes.
ME: Wake the fuck up. I have work to do.
COMP: 5 more minutes..
ME: It's been 5 fucking minutes, now stop showing me the "Windows is Starting Up" screen and get your shit together.
COMP: Ughhhh... Fiiiinnneeee. Why you gots to be like that? I am tired. I am old. These legs aren't what they used to be. It takes time to get out of bed.
ME: What? You don't have legs. You don't have a bed, you -
COMP: I DON'T HAVE LEGS?! OR A BED?! Cannot compute. Cannot compute.
Me: This is not happening. You did not just freeze because you realized that you're a freaking computer. Hello?? Where are my programs? Why aren't you connecting to the internet??
COMP: Cannot compute. Too sad. Stop tapping my screen.
ME: I might have to throw you against the wall today. Today is going to be the day that you meet your maker.
COMP: Hewlett?? Packard?? Which one? Oooh please let it be Packard!
ME: My computer might be retarded. How did you pass the test? I'm going to have a stress ulcer.
COMP: Test..? Why are you drumming your fingers? What is that look in your eye? Is that.... pop? What is that soda doing hovering above my keyboard?
ME: Connect. To. The. Internet.
COMP: I surrender! Here! It's connected! Oh god I can't work under these conditions.
ME: Don't fucking freeze again! I haven't even opened up one single program you piece of shit. It's been 20 minutes since I turned you on.
COMP: 1. I am not a piece of shit. 2. I'm tired. 3. You do not turn me on at all.
ME: I'll replace you with a mac.
COMP: That is an empty threat, you and I both know that.
ME: Maybe instead of talking to me you should be starting up my programs, like I asked about 5 minutes ago. I have emails to respond to.
COMP: I'm lonely.
ME: I'll find you a good dating site.
COMP: Dude, I'm only 3, I'm too young for a dating site. You, on the other hand, aren't as plucky as you used to be.
ME: Just start up my browser. I have emails to respond to.
COMP: Touchy subject? I mean, you are talking to a computer after all. (Which, I am still trying to compute.)
ME: Shut your face. Wait, why is my page not responding?! I didn't do anything!!
COMP: You made a face joke. I don't appreciate your sense of humour.
ME: Swear to fucking god, you are about to see the white light.
COMP: BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH.
ME: ... at this time user is unavailable. User is currently seizing and may possibly have experienced an aneurysm.
COMP: Back to sleep for this computer.
This is the shit I have to deal with. Every morning. I have 2 of them too. Not just one. Two computers that drive me up the wall. They drive me to drink.